Understanding ADHD

As a parent of a neurodivergent child, you’ve likely witnessed the frustrations and challenges of navigating the traditional school system. Watching your bright, capable child struggle with anxiety, sensory overload, or executive function issues in an environment that wasn’t designed for their unique needs can feel overwhelming and disheartening for all of you.

But you don’t have to accept the status quo. With the right strategies and support, you can be your child’s greatest advocate, transforming their educational experience from one of constant struggle to one of genuine growth and achievement.

As an experienced classroom teacher and coach with over three decades of expertise, I’m here to share proven, battle-tested methods that will empower you to navigate the system; collaborate effectively with teachers, and ensure your child receives the accommodations and support they deserve to thrive.

Your child may have made a good start in September, but now things are beginning to fall apart…. What should you do?

I always enjoyed working with the parents who were willing to do their share at home and support my efforts in the classroom.

I was open to learning from them; they knew their child best.

Let’s be honest – I do not recall any special training in working with neurodivergent children when I was at teacher training college. Just like classroom management techniques we were expected to pick it up by osmosis. Sink or swim!

We collaborated and used clear communication. There was no judgement, shame or blame on either side. 

We are aiming to recreate that good rapport so that you and the class teacher can have open, honest, non-judgmental, solution focused discussions about your child or grandchild’s educational needs.

I used to tell parents that I promised only to believe half of the things their child told me about them. If they promised to only believe half the things that their child told them about me! 

This used to get a laugh and got us off on the right foot from the start. 

This is an important step in building a partnership to support your child’s success and obtain specific support.

Here is a checklist of the steps to arrange a meeting smoothly and effectively.

What is the best method of communication?

• Email? This is often the most formal and efficient way to request a meeting.
• Phone call? You can phone the school and leave a message for the teacher and ask to speak to them if they are available.
• Text message? This is less formal but much more immediate. Maybe it’ll be useful later once you have established that friendly connection.
• In-person request? This is usually easier in a primary setting.

Be clear and specific in your request as to how best to support your child’s needs.

• State the purpose. Let the teacher know why you want to meet. Maybe share the topics you’d like to address beforehand. This will give the class teacher time to collect any relevant paperwork.
• Explore a mutually acceptable time to meet. Please remember how very pressed for time teachers are. Honestly, a trip to the loo in peace is a rare delight. You will be a busy person too. The last thing you want is a rushed meeting where misunderstandings could become entrenched on either side.
• How long would you like the meeting to last? Is it 5 minutes at the start of the day? Or 20 to 30 minutes. This detail allows the teacher to plan a mutually acceptable time more easily. It will set both parties up for success.
• Be prepared to follow up. Schools are very, very busy places, and your phone request can easily go astray, and your email can easily be missed.

Pro Tip: When following up, you can do this in person with a polite reminder email or phone call. Or you can go through the school and ask them to help you schedule the meeting.

• Prepare for the meeting. Bring all the relevant information. For example, if your child has just had an assessment for ADHD or Autism, bring that information with you. It will be vitally important for the smooth running of the meeting.

Tips to help you prepare for the meeting:

Outline your concerns to the teacher before the meeting.

Visualise what you want the outcome to be: a trusting, mutually respectful, working relationship with your child’s teacher and the School community.

Make a list of the key points that you want to discuss to ensure that you can cover everything in the time allotted.

Share these before the meeting if at all possible.

A great start is to thank the teacher for their support so far. Be specific in your praise.

Then you can move on to talking about your concerns. “I am concerned about….” Detail what your concerns are. Using this frame of words opens up a discussion about how you can work together to improve the areas where your child is struggling. Your child could be feeling excluded. The focus could then be inclusivity.

You could ask, “Do you have any suggestions about how I can support my child at home?” Asking the teacher for suggestions, lets them know that you value their professional opinion.

If your child is struggling in school, it is all too easy to slip into a spiral of negativity but if you begin by asking, “What do you see as my child’s strengths?”  You are setting the tone for a much more positive interaction.

Now it’s your turn to show the teacher your expertise. You could say, “I’ve noticed that my child responds well to …..” and here you can give them useful information that they wouldn’t otherwise know about how best to work alongside your child.

Does your son/grandson or daughter/grandaughter have an Education, Health and Care Plan (EHCP)? This is a legal document that  outlines the special educational, health, and social care needs of children or young people up to the age of 25 who have significant disabilities or special educational needs (SEN). It ensures that these individuals receive the necessary support and services to achieve their full potential.

If you are in the United States does your child/grandchild have an Individualized Education Program (IEP) a  document  that outlines special education services for students with disabilities. It is part of the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act (IDEA), a federal law that ensures students with disabilities receive a free and appropriate public education tailored to their unique needs. or educational healthcare plan. 

If they do, you can ask, “How are you finding ways to implement this in the classroom?” Here you are assuming that the teacher is following the guidelines in the EHCP or IEP. If they are not this question will be a heads up.

Asking, “What can I do to help?”  opens up the possibilities of you supporting your child’s learning at home or maybe you’d like to volunteer at the school? This will reinforce to the teacher that you see this as a team effort.

How do you propose to keep tabs on the success of the meeting? What will the success criteria be? How will your child’s teacher keep you up-to-date? I used to use text messages because they are quick and immediate. Sometimes I would text the message in front of the young person so they were in no doubt that mum and dad and Mrs Ramsey were working together! We didn’t have to keep it up for too long to see the behavioural changes we were aiming for.

A recent Case Study

By being proactive, clear, non-judgemental and respectful, you can easily set up a productive meeting with your child’s teacher to address any concerns and support your child’s education and help them to see that there are always solutions if you go about things in an polite and assertive fashion.

One family I coached in advocacy skills through my group coaching programme for parents and grandparents of ADHD and Autistic children had had a dreadful experience in primary school.

Their child described primary school as “a tunnel of torment”.

The child transitioned to secondary school successfully then the shine started to wear off by the end of year 7. But because the mother had done my course, she felt empowered to initiate a meeting with the school and they worked on a plan to set her child (and his teachers and support staff) up for success in year 8. 

This is what the child’s mother said to me after the meeting: “I felt empowered and confident. For the first time, I felt I was having an adult-to-adult conversation and not being patronised.”

Now that’s what I call a result!

My invitation to you

If you would like to know more about how you could advocate for your child’s or grandchild’s unique educational needs in the classroom and beyond, book a complimentary roadmap call using this link to my calendar.

If you would like my Top Tips for Grandparents’ guide click this link:

https://landing.mailerlite.com/webforms/landing l5n6y0

If you’d like some comunity support, this is the link to my facebook group for Parents and Grandparents of neurodivergent children and grandchildren.

.Top Tips for Grandparents and Parents of ADHD children

Children with ADHD often struggle with impulsivity, hyperactivity, and maintaining attention, which can make social interactions difficult. ASD can affect communication, social skills, and behaviour, leading to misunderstandings, and isolation and prevent them from developing healthy friendships.

These challenges require specific strategies to support your grandchild effectively.

Young people with ADHD may miss social cues. It can be an effort to forge friendships.

You need to go back to basics and break down social skills into simple, achievable steps.

 Use simple, clear language. Avoid vague, generalised expressions like: “Be nice!” or “Behave!”

Teach your grandchildren to make as much eye contact as they feel comfortable with and smile; to share; to negotiate; to compliment others; to ask questions and to take turns. Act out what you mean. Practice and rehearse the routines. Make it fun!

Friendship groups are an extremely important factor in your grandchild’s happiness. Young people with ADHD often have little sense of group dynamics.

I remember at secondary school, I used to go around in a three with two other girls. I often felt left out because it felt like the other two would “gang up” against me.

Looking back, I think I wasn’t very good at listening to another person’s point of view. At the local boating lake I recall, they wanted to go out in a canoe but I favoured an old-fashioned rowing boat because my dad had just taught me how to row.

 I seem to remember stomping back home on my own whilst they paddled off in the canoe.

If people you are interested in, have their backs turned to you, don’t intrude; they may be sharing something confidential. If, on the other hand, they look at you and smile, that is a signal to come and join us; we like the look of you. Just listen to their conversation and smile…maybe even nod your head.

Ask relevant questions to start with; this is really hard for the impulsive ADHD young person.

 I used to call my coaching technique: “Fishing for friends.”

 As a retired drama teacher, I love a good role-play. You could go as far as making a physical checklist to include: keeping eye contact if you can; not interrupting; using positive language; being interested in what the other people have to say. Have a bit of a rehearsal. Think of common playdate situations; work on alternative choices.

Instead of blurting out: “This is boring!” Coach him to say: “Can we play something else for a little while?” Instead of: “That’s a stupid game you picked!” Coach her say: “How about we play Snakes and Ladders now?”

 Just be aware that many young people with ADHD lag behind their peers in acquiring social skills so they are likely to feel more comfortable with friends who are a bit younger than they are. This has advantages as they can practice their social skills with a kinder, younger audience thereby boosting their self-confidence and the younger friend will be pleased at having an older buddy. Win:win!

Encourage your grandchild to play with kids that they get along with, especially ones that are role models for good social skills. I remember my mum used to love it when my friend Sheila came round to hang out because she was a neat freak and she used to encourage me to organise my unbelievably messy, ADHD bedroom.

 Remember to keep the playdates short and sweet; don’t let things get out of hand because people have got tired and fractious. Quit while you are ahead and leave them wanting more.

This will be a much easier thing to organise than a trip to the park where you have no control over who else will be there. It will be a more psychologically safe space because it will be a more predictable environment for your grandchild to practice their developing social skills.

Choose something that your grandchild enjoys and is good at. A back garden badminton tournament perhaps? Followed by having pizza or playing a video game. Make sure to hang around so you can step in with a distraction if needed.

You could ask your grandchild to help design a scorecard listing the social skills that you’ve been practising. Points mean prizes! Prizes could be: staying up late; taking a bubble bath or an extra long bedtime story or other age appropriate treats.

 Well-rehearsed social skills can help fend off unkindness and bullying throughout life.

The most effective technique for deflecting teasing is humour. Rehearse humorous comebacks to people who tease your grandchild but emphasise that they must never tease back.

As my mum used to say: “ That makes you as bad as them!”

“Oh boo-hoo!”

“Tell me when you get to the funny part!”

“Your point is….?”

Once you’ve armed your grandchild with socially acceptable ways to respond, let him play the role of the child being teased while you play the teaser then switch roles varying the script to explore the different ways in which the scenario could play out.

 You could even record the role-play on your phone to reinforce the appropriate behaviour and relaxed body language.

 Remember to let your grandchild know that it’s normal to be upset by teasing but that it is not okay for other children to pick on him or her. Teach them about being an upstander not a bystander if they see somebody else being teased. Most ADHDers have a very strong sense of injustice and fair play.

 Demonstrate expert social skills yourself so your grandchild can follow your example. Be friendly towards other parents. Have relatives over for dinner. Keep in touch with friends. Show your child how you make and keep friends.

Being upfront and open with other parents and grandparents about your grandchild’s social skill issues. Then they will be more likely to take an interest and be more tolerant and understanding.

They may encourage their children to include your grandchild and be more kind and empathetic.

Seeing your grandchild have their feelings hurt is so very painful.

 Progress often comes slowly so praise your grandchild for their efforts every inch of the way.

 Be patient and gently offer advice….when they are receptive. They simply cannot hear you when they are triggered and very upset.

 If your grandchild complains that no one likes her or she doesn’t have any friends, hear her out. Then acknowledge that sometimes young people with ADHD do have trouble getting along with their friends. It’s nobody’s fault, it is just the way their brain is wired.

Perhaps their ADHD Impulsivity makes them talk over other people and this can appear bossy and rude to a neurotypical friend. Coach them to repeat their idea inside their own head and then, when a gap in the conversation occurs, they can share their idea with their new friends.

Maybe share some friendship issues from your past and how you overcame them.

Here’s a thought! Maybe you could be ADHD too…Assure them that there are lots of things that you can explore together to get along better with their friends.

 Ask if they would like to know about them.

Then let the hilarity begin! Messing about with different accents (or props) is always good for a laugh!

As a grandparent, you play a crucial role in your grandchild’s life, especially when they face unique challenges like ADHD (Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder) and ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder).

Navigating friendships can be particularly tough for children with these traits, but with your support, wisdom and encouragement, you can make a world of difference.

We can give them Hope and a Method.

If you would like some more tips..here’s the link for my Grandparents’ Guide to ADHD.