Increasingly grandparents are being called upon to step in and help out with childcare. The grandkids may even be coming to stay for a few weeks. The thorny issues of friendships and playdates are bound to come up.
Seeing your grandchild choosing to isolate themselves in their bedroom rather than get hurt again is heartbreaking.
In my 40 years of teaching and coaching kids with ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder), I have picked up a wrinkle or two.
Socially isolated children can build lasting friendships given the right help and support.
Trouble making friends can be overcome by explicitly teaching friendship skills and helping them to navigate friendship problems.
In this article I’m sharing practical strategies to help your grandchild to feel less alone.

Children with ADHD often struggle with impulsivity, hyperactivity, and maintaining attention, which can make social interactions difficult. ASD can affect communication, social skills, and behaviour, leading to misunderstandings, and isolation and prevent them from developing healthy friendships.

These challenges require specific strategies to support your grandchild effectively.

 

Young people with ADHD may miss social cues. It can be an effort to forge friendships.

You need to go back to basics and break down social skills into simple, achievable steps.

 Use simple, clear language. Avoid vague, generalised expressions like: “Be nice!” or “Behave!”

Teach your grandchildren to make as much eye contact as they feel comfortable with and smile; to share; to negotiate; to compliment others; to ask questions and to take turns. Act out what you mean. Practice and rehearse the routines. Make it fun!

 

Friendship groups are an extremely important factor in your grandchild’s happiness. Young people with ADHD often have little sense of group dynamics.

I remember at secondary school, I used to go around in a three with two other girls. I often felt left out because it felt like the other two would “gang up” against me.

Looking back, I think I wasn’t very good at listening to another person’s point of view. At the local boating lake I recall, they wanted to go out in a canoe but I favoured an old-fashioned rowing boat because my dad had just taught me how to row.

 I seem to remember stomping back home on my own whilst they paddled off in the canoe.

If people you are interested in, have their backs turned to you, don’t intrude; they may be sharing something confidential. If, on the other hand, they look at you and smile, that is a signal to come and join us; we like the look of you. Just listen to their conversation and smile…maybe even nod your head.

Ask relevant questions to start with; this is really hard for the impulsive ADHD young person.

 I used to call my coaching technique: “Fishing for friends.”

 

 As a retired drama teacher, I love a good role-play. You could go as far as making a physical checklist to include: keeping eye contact if you can; not interrupting; using positive language; being interested in what the other people have to say. Have a bit of a rehearsal. Think of common playdate situations; work on alternative choices.

Instead of blurting out: “This is boring!” Coach him to say: “Can we play something else for a little while?” Instead of: “That’s a stupid game you picked!” Coach her say: “How about we play Snakes and Ladders now?”

 

 Just be aware that many young people with ADHD lag behind their peers in acquiring social skills so they are likely to feel more comfortable with friends who are a bit younger than they are. This has advantages as they can practice their social skills with a kinder, younger audience thereby boosting their self-confidence and the younger friend will be pleased at having an older buddy. Win:win!

 

Encourage your grandchild to play with kids that they get along with, especially ones that are role models for good social skills. I remember my mum used to love it when my friend Sheila came round to hang out because she was a neat freak and she used to encourage me to organise my unbelievably messy, ADHD bedroom.

 Remember to keep the playdates short and sweet; don’t let things get out of hand because people have got tired and fractious. Quit while you are ahead and leave them wanting more.

 

This will be a much easier thing to organise than a trip to the park where you have no control over who else will be there. It will be a more psychologically safe space because it will be a more predictable environment for your grandchild to practice their developing social skills.

Choose something that your grandchild enjoys and is good at. A back garden badminton tournament perhaps? Followed by having pizza or playing a video game. Make sure to hang around so you can step in with a distraction if needed.

 

You could ask your grandchild to help design a scorecard listing the social skills that you’ve been practising. Points mean prizes! Prizes could be: staying up late; taking a bubble bath or an extra long bedtime story or other age appropriate treats.

 

 Well-rehearsed social skills can help fend off unkindness and bullying throughout life.

The most effective technique for deflecting teasing is humour. Rehearse humorous comebacks to people who tease your grandchild but emphasise that they must never tease back.

As my mum used to say: “ That makes you as bad as them!”

“Oh boo-hoo!”

“Tell me when you get to the funny part!”

“Your point is….?”

Once you’ve armed your grandchild with socially acceptable ways to respond, let him play the role of the child being teased while you play the teaser then switch roles varying the script to explore the different ways in which the scenario could play out.

 You could even record the role-play on your phone to reinforce the appropriate behaviour and relaxed body language.

 Remember to let your grandchild know that it’s normal to be upset by teasing but that it is not okay for other children to pick on him or her. Teach them about being an upstander not a bystander if they see somebody else being teased. Most ADHDers have a very strong sense of injustice and fair play.

 

 Demonstrate expert social skills yourself so your grandchild can follow your example. Be friendly towards other parents. Have relatives over for dinner. Keep in touch with friends. Show your child how you make and keep friends.

Being upfront and open with other parents and grandparents about your grandchild’s social skill issues. Then they will be more likely to take an interest and be more tolerant and understanding.

They may encourage their children to include your grandchild and be more kind and empathetic.

 

Seeing your grandchild have their feelings hurt is so very painful.

 Progress often comes slowly so praise your grandchild for their efforts every inch of the way.

 Be patient and gently offer advice….when they are receptive. They simply cannot hear you when they are triggered and very upset.

 If your grandchild complains that no one likes her or she doesn’t have any friends, hear her out. Then acknowledge that sometimes young people with ADHD do have trouble getting along with their friends. It’s nobody’s fault, it is just the way their brain is wired.

Perhaps their ADHD Impulsivity makes them talk over other people and this can appear bossy and rude to a neurotypical friend. Coach them to repeat their idea inside their own head and then, when a gap in the conversation occurs, they can share their idea with their new friends.

Maybe share some friendship issues from your past and how you overcame them.

Here’s a thought! Maybe you could be ADHD too…Assure them that there are lots of things that you can explore together to get along better with their friends.

 Ask if they would like to know about them.

Then let the hilarity begin! Messing about with different accents (or props) is always good for a laugh!

 

As a grandparent, you play a crucial role in your grandchild’s life, especially when they face unique challenges like ADHD (Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder) and ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder).

Navigating friendships can be particularly tough for children with these traits, but with your support, wisdom and encouragement, you can make a world of difference.

We can give them Hope and a Method.

 

If you would like some more tips..here’s the link for my Grandparents’ Guide to ADHD.